Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
