I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
