This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
