my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
