At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
