Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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