What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
