If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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