What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
