I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
