Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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