I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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