Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
