Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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