So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I take back everything I said about communal showers
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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