I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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