She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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