somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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