I'm eating all of the evidence.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
