Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
