If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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