I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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