Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
