a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
