So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize