Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
