he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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