she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
