There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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