Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
