i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
