The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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