I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
