peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
