How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
