when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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