i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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