I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
