I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
