A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Randomize
