I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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