If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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