I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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