Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
