I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
