My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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