dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Ketchup is God's man juice
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
