It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
nutella sex= disaster
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
