On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Someone stole a lamp last night.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
