i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
