I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
